omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
