My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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