if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
