don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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