Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
