btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
