Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
