My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
