oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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