fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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