The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
