So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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