You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
