I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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