My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
