i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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