Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
