i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I lost the right to judge tonight
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
