Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
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