She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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