ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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