She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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