you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize