I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
