I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
