I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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