smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
