the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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