what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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