So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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