Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
