I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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