I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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