put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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