I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
