I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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