i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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