so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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