So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
