when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
