I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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