i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
