I have demons in me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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