my phone needs a breathalizer
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
there is glitter all over my balls
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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