i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
