if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
