I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
