I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She even gives head with a lisp.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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