I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
