Im at strip club and am horny
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
