her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
