I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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