upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well I just put wine in my tea
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
