i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
