White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
