I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
