You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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