I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
