It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
