i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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