i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
