you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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