My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize