I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
