dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
