I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So much Jack, so little girl.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
