the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
