I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize