According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
