If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
