WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
