I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
